June 14, 2009
CLOSER ... CLOSER STILL
[AREN'T YOU GETTING A LITTLE CLOSE TO THE INSECT?]
The crepe myrtles are in full bloom outside Casa del Ensalada right now.
Yesterday morning seemed like a good time to flex the camera.
Pretty.
Very pretty.
Okay... that's close enough.
Seriously. Back away.
This is stupid. What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Do you want to get stung? Do you? Keep it up.
OKAY, ENOUGH. YOU HEAR ME??? ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!
YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. GET. STUNG!!!!!
CALL 911! CALL 911!!!!!!
AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Huh? Wha...?
What happened? Is it over? Is it gone?
Nevermind.
PREVIOUS TOO CLOSE
June 12, 2009
WORST CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES
[MEME A LITTLE MEME WITH ME]
"If I Should Die Before I Wake""Goodnight, Keith Moon"
"Strippi Longstockings"
"My Friend Flickr"
"Pap The Bunny"
"Go, Snoop Dogg, Go"
"Where The Girls Gone Wild Things Are"
"Oh, The Drinks You Can Drink!"
"The Sandwich of Monte Christo"
"Sleeping Pill Beauty"
June 11, 2009
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A MEME
[HIGHLIGHTS FROM MY TWITPICS]
Dude, don't be that guy.
This is why your kid is fat.
Here's to you, 8 a.m. Tire Store Picnic Bench Lovers
Redneck Twitter.
You can follow along with the photo fun here.
June 10, 2009
ADVENTURES IN TRAFFIC
[ROBERT FROST BACK TAT EDITION]
Rolled up behind this couple on the way home last night.
Wait. What's that on her back?
Interesting.
Two tattoos diverged in a wood, and she--
She took the one less drawn by,
And that has made all the difference.
PREVIOUS ADVENTURES IN TRAFFIC:
I'd Like Another Helping, Please. »
June 05, 2009
WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF UTILITY?
[3.5 IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER]
We have a giveaway counter at work where people put the various freebies that are sent to the newsroom up for grabs.
It usually looks like the Island of Misfit Swag. Coffee mugs no one wants. Books about sex after menopause. CDs cast aside by music critic like a used groupie from Led Zeppelin. That sort of thing.
Anything that's worth a damn doesn't usually sit for very long. Usefulness and/or something delicious finds a home pretty quickly in someone's purse or backpack.
Anyway, this was the scene at work the other day:
For the record, I'm talking about the 3.5 discs, not the newspaper.
Come to think of it, sing along if you know the words:
May 28, 2009
May 19, 2009
I WAS PAID TO FLY WITH YOU, BATMAN
[NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO GO CLEAN UP]
With many thanks to Anna.
May 18, 2009
WELL, HELLO THERE, MR. SUGAR BEAR
[SEE WHY WOMEN CALL HIM 'THE ANCHOR']
For the women in my family, the favorite member of the Tampa Bay Rays roster, so to say, isn't Evan Longoria or Carl Crawford or B.J. Upton.
It's bullpen coach Bobby Ramos, who goes by the nickname "Sugar Bear."
Why?
As for the bullpen chairs that frame Sugar Bear's physical attributes when sat upon in reverse-cowgirl, this video shows that Bobby likes to give a little something back:
May 17, 2009
May 05, 2009
HAPPY CINCO DE MADE-UP MEXICAN HOLIDAY
[JUST BECAUSE IT'S FAKE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE THE GLORY OF THE TINY SOMBRERO]
Longtime fans of the Salad know all too well about the The Sombrero Project (and its subsequent parts (Dos, Tres and Quatro and Cinco and Part Seis). Inadvertantly, the project has become a Tribune Employees Past Project, which was never its goal. But I digress.
In recent months, I've refocused the endeavor into the Tiny Sombrero Project. It got its kick-off on New Year's Eve (Something about important calendar events mixed with alcohol acts as an accelerant. Who knew?)
With that, I give you the latest additions to the project:
Waltbrero
Gourdita
Sporkbrero
Schrutebrero
Swine Flu Sombrero
April 13, 2009
MY ASIAN DINNER WITH ANDRE
[MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY BUFFET]
SCENE NO. 1: INTERIOR - EVENING. A 13-year-old boy sits next to his father and across from his mother at a neighborhood restaurant that serves Pacific-cuisine.
Boy and father are sitting on the side of a booth that allows them to watch a baseball game playing on a TV in corner with no sound as they eat. Boy digs at his hot pot as father picks through his nabeyaki udon.
Midway through the meal, the following song begins playing on the restaurant's stereo system:
FATHER: "This song makes me want to put a bullet in my head."SON: [without missing a beat] "Then we'd miss you like crazy."
END OF SCENE.
PREVIOUS MOMENTS WITH ANDRE:
Godfather-themed breakfast with Andre.
April 11, 2009
TIN SOLDIERS AND TRUFFLE'S COMIN'
[GUNS N' ROSES]
Stopped by Godiva yesterday at the mall to shop for some Easter candy. Sampled some peanut butter truffle eggs.
Found a few things to buy, small little delicacies. Store was crowded. Two clerks behind the counter, a young man and woman, were busy trying to serve everyone. Two needy women who ordered Godiva shakes were clogging the retail pipe. The youngish male clerk tried hard to help. There was much frivolity and giggling. The three appeared to be sharing tips on bags and shoes. It was like the worst episode of "The View."
"Can I take the next customer?" the youngish female clerk asked at a second register. With spiky hair and a delicate, milky complexion that had no depth to it, she looked like an anime character, albeit one that would be working at Godiva, of course. Stepped forward with my purchases.
She rang the items, took my card and swiped. I noticed what appeared to be a rifle pendant on a short necklace around her neck.
"Is that a rifle with flowers?"
She giggled shyly.
"It's a Kent State thing," she said. "It's a hippie thing."
Ah.
She continued.
"I guess I was born at the wrong time," she said.
I did my best to digest the previous statement without appearing judgmental. My raised eyebrows, furrowed forehead and puffy frenulum betrayed my true thoughts.
Chaos, tear gas and pointless death apparently seem romantic 38 years later to underage clerks from within the climate-controled comfort of a gourmet chocolate retailer.
If only Godiva made dark chocolate billy clubs. That would be delicious. And on-topic.
WE MIGHT BE GETTING A FEW CALLS ON THIS
[TYPOS AS SLURS]
This is nothing compared to St. Fatty's Day.
April 08, 2009
SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE UNIVERSE
[DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA!]
If I wanted a half-caf, nonfat, no-whip, half-pump Seth Rogan, I would have asked for a half-caf, nonfat, no-whip, half-pump Seth Rogan.
April 03, 2009
April 01, 2009
WHEN IS A TRIPLE A TRIPLE-DOUBLE?
[PRODUCT LABELS ARE CONFUSING]
Saw this product at the grocery store.
Something about the claims on the label didn't read correctly.
Do the math with me, will you?
Sausage made with pork and chicken = 2 meats (which act as 1 meat)
Canadian Style Bacon = 1 meat
Pizza topping made with chicken, beef and pork = 3 meats
By my math, shouldn't this technically qualify as a 6-meat pizza?
Seriously, I'm asking.
:::::crickets chirping:::::
Head hurting. I have to go take a nappy-nap now.
